from the flight deck

In case you haven't been tracking me, I'm in Arizona right now, working a conference for ISTAT...might be my last one, but that's a story for another day.

Here's my latest:

As we all know, flying can be a drag, especially if you have your shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste confiscated at security. When pulled aside to have my bag re-examined, I proudly displayed my toiletries in the clear ziplock bag as required.

VALERIE: See? It's in a clear 1 gallon ziplock bag.
TSA: It's supposed to be a quart size bag.
VALERIE: ...oh
TSA: These bottles are larger than allowed.
VALERIE: But they're only half full...
TSA: Nice try.

Actually, anything can be a drag if taken too seriously. Apparently the flight crew on my 6:00am US Air flight from Santa Barbara to Phoenix have learned this.

The following is a re-telling, to the best of my ability, the pre-flight announcements that morning:

PILOT: "Welcome aboard US Air. We have some of the best flight crews in the country, but you're going to be stuck with Mary anyway."

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (Mary): "Please pull out your safety information card from your seatback pocket and pretend to follow along as I go over the instructions..."

"Buckle your seatbelt low over your hips, preferably."

"Oxygen masks will drop in the event of decompression. If you are seated next to a child or someone who is acting like one, secure your mask first."

"In the event of a water landing (we're going to Phoenix) your seat cushion my be used as a floatation device. Upon a water landing, pull your seatcushion up, hug it to your chest, slip your arms through the straps and exit the aircraft and wander into the desert until the rest of us catch up. You may keep the seat cushion. A gift from us to you."

"To turn on your reading light, push the light button above your head. Pushing the call button will not turn on your flight attendant, but it will get her attention."

It was a little too early for humor, but what the heck. I was smiling as I took off.

-v